


What Passes For Normal

by Qatesh



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-22
Updated: 2011-12-22
Packaged: 2017-10-27 21:25:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/300194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qatesh/pseuds/Qatesh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shadowing Phil Coulson for a day</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Passes For Normal

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ofsevenseas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofsevenseas/gifts).



Phil really shouldn't be surprised to step out of the shower and find Loki sitting on his closed toilet. That, apparently, is part of his life now.

He blinks and reaches for his towel. Then ignores him and brushes his teeth, before stepping back into his bed room and getting dressed. Since Loki dropped in on him unannounced and in the middle of his morning, he can wait. If he hoped to embarrass Phil to throw him off balance, he is going to have to try harder. Phil is hardly going to scream and run in horror over a little skin. And if he is being abducted, he might as well be properly clothed.

Once he's fixed his tie in front of the mirror, he turns to Loki, who has now moved to his bed, entertaining himself with several of the weekly gossip rags and today's edition of the Daily Bugle. Absently, Phil notes the headlines, mostly because he is trained to notice the little details. It hardly comes as a surprise, that the Avengers feature in all of them. None of them are flattering. And while he doesn't really give a second thought to some of the more third rate publications claiming to have a tell-all about orgies at the Avengers Mansion, some of the others are a little more worrying. Not really a concern, but SHIELD does have a PR division, precisely so things like these don't happen.

He is undoubtedly going to have to schedule a visit sometime soon.

"What do you want." It's not really a question.

"Oh? I just wanted to see how you're doing. Catch up, ask how my brother is. How Barton is doing after that nasty little cut to his side the other day."

Huh. Phil hasn't had any injury reports come across his desk. Reports from _everybody_ connected to the Avengers Initiative come across his desk eventually.

"Your brother is fine. So is Barton. I am sure Hawkeye will be especially touched that you asked after his well being."

"Well, that is good to hear."

"What. Do. You. Want." Phil enunciates more clearly this time. It is Tuesday. Nothing ever really happens on Tuesdays. Mondays and Wednesdays, sure. But Tuesdays he can usually get caught up on the all the paperwork that gets left behind his other duties the rest of the week. He doesn't want to spend it having inane small talk with a demi-god with a father complex.

"No, that was it, really."

"Okay, then."

"Have a nice day, Agent Coulson. I'll try and drop by again soon."

He has breakfast with Agents Romanoff and Barton this morning, like he does every other Tuesday, barring emergency calls. He tells himself it’s so that he can keep an eye on both of them, get more information on the inner workings of the Avengers. In truth, it’s probably more of a hold-over from the times it was just the three of them and a sea of interchangeable SHIELD agents.

SHIELD agents are very good, but they usually tend to lack personality. Agent Romanoff keeps teasing him the he keeps adopting difficult strays because otherwise he’d be bored. She thinks he should just get himself a spouse and some kids.

“Speaking of children, I hear Barton has been seen in Ms Foster’s lab quite a bit.” Not his smoothest diversion, but it works. He never could quite figure out how Barton and Romanoff worked, or when exactly they’re on and off. They are, usually, pretty discrete. And for all his unprofessionalism at times, this has never been an area where Barton was of any concern. Ms Romanoff, of course, is always professional. She and Phil are rather alike in that respect. One of the reasons they get along so well.

Barton is indignant, Romanoff heckles him and Phil gets a few moments to tune them out without him noticing to contemplate this morning’s meeting with Loki. He briefly considers bringing it up. But it would just make both of them concerned and protective. And while Phil is quite capable of protecting himself, he doesn’t think there is anything any of them could do to protect him from Loki. If Loki wanted him dead, he’d be dead. The pair of them would just get themselves killed along with him, and that just won’t do. He doesn’t think Loki actually wants him dead. It’s not quite his style. But he can’t figure out what he does want.

He isn’t stupid enough to keep it secret, of course. All the reports he is going to file later is already composed in his head. There is the incident report, and even though nothing actually happened, he will also have to fill out forms EMB-I, EwH, and MA-32. The XX301 and 302s and the LR24706 can wait until later this week. Anything involving magic always takes more forms than any other encounter. Except possibly alternate realities or time travel, but Phil hasn’t had that pleasure yet.

He briefly tunes back into the conversation – Barton is still talking about Ms Lewis. Apparently there is something going on there. Phil isn’t quite sure how he feels about that. He always knows how he feels about things. It’s unsettling. But now is neither the time, nor the place, so he files it away for later examination.

Barton does drop the occasional useful bit of information, here, however. Knowing your enemy’s weakness is always good, no matter what the battle field. He pulls out his phone and taps away at it until he fills out an order for a box of chocolates to be shipped to Ms Lewis this morning.

Agent Romanoff grabs his phone. “No work during breakfast. Those were _your_ rules.“

Phil points at the clock behind him. “Breakfast is officially over. Now, if you’d please hand my phone back.” The _or I will find new forms for you to fill out_ , is implied. Phil is rather protective of his phone, especially when he’s in office mode.

Natasha hands it back with a placating gesture. “You’re still paying for breakfast, though.“

*.*  
Before they head enter SHIELD HQ, Phil makes a point to stop and buy a cup of tea. The other two may snicker, but Phil knows what’s good for him. He also to picks up a few of the papers Loki had read this morning. Barton amuses himself by reading the more lurid details out loud, with Agent Romanoff throwing in the occasional commentary.

The press department just went to the top of his list for today.

He sits the cup of tea down on his assistant’s desk with a friendly good morning and settles in for the morning. Barring any immediate disasters, he will spend the morning doing paperwork. But he has a few other things to take care of first.

He types in a request to see footage from security cameras in midtown, while the program downloads the latest emails. He’s nearly through sorting the trash from the things that he has other people to care of now, from the things that need his attention in various levels of priority.   
He has an email from the press office, actually. A draft for a longer statement about yesterday’s incident, waiting for his approval. He opens the file, and he can’t quite keep his left eye from twitching.

It’s a mix between the most horrid purple prose that would but any bodice ripper to shame, and a foul mouthed commentary on the property destruction and the villains they defeated.

He hits print anyway. He actually even quite agrees that they did the city a favor when Stark threw the flying robot griffin into the glass crown on the Bear Stearns building. It is certainly an improvement; but that comma has no business being there. And there are a number of typos.

Somebody is really getting fired today.

The program lets him know that his request for non-emergency access to the cameras have been approved. Phil makes a note to fill out the physical paperwork much later this week and to be even more vague and obfuscating than usual. He won’t forget, but it never hurts to be thorough.

Phil wants to curse, but restrains himself. For all that Loki is the god of mischief, he does tell the truth, occasionally. Barton is most definitely favoring his left side, when he thinks nobody is paying any attention to him. Loki may have a specific reason for wanting Barton pulled from the field. Or maybe he just wants Phil to _think_ that he does. For all Phil knows, he could even have a soft spot for Hawkeye. (Though in that case, Phil really really doesn’t want to know).

He still can’t let it slide.

Come to my office. Have something to look over for you.

And while he has his phone out, he also checks other messages he got this morning. Nothing really important, though Ms Foster has deigned to communicate with him directly today.

Stop trying to steal my assistant.

Phil grins. He isn’t actually trying to steal her. He just gets a lot more information on what kind of progress Jane is making if he is on friendly terms with Ms Lewis. Whether or not he intends to keep an eye on her after she graduates and make sure she stays even vaguely in SHIELD’s orbit, or at least gets the right doors opened for her, is another matter entirely. He does not ‘adopt difficult strays’. He does however nurture talent and keep an eye out for future personnel. It’s just good management of potential resources.

Speaking of Ms Foster. He needs to avoid her lab for the rest of the day.

Thor is currently on a mission to hunt him down and… Phil thinks he probably just wants an explanation why he can't say he is a god, and demand that Phil make the coffee machine work for him again, but one never quite knows what a god-like alien, freshly deprived of caffeine, would deem an acceptable method to get his way.

The coffee machine is actually an unrelated incident. Stark had taken it apart and put it back together, three days ago. The coffee actually _is_ better now, he’d give him that. But the machine now requires a little extra careful handling, and a seemingly random series of buttons to be pressed, and a gentle whack to the side, before it works.

So far none of the others has let Thor in on the little secret. Though Phil doubts they support his ‘punishment’, imagined or not. More likely they either think it's funny, or they are afraid that Thor might accidently smack the thing too hard.

He probably won’t be able to make one of the employees from the press office explain things to him. Most of the SHIELD employees tend to give the Avengers a wide berth. Consensus is that they are all batshit insane and it is best to just keep your distance. Phil tries to make them do it anyway, but he knows a futile battle when he sees it.

Maybe he can ask Ms Lewis to explain it to him. She is a rather impressive teacher, even though a lot of her ‘education’ seems to involve inane pop culture and college drinking games.

Phil glances at his watch. He should have just enough time to fill out and file the paperwork on this morning’s incident.

Sure enough, by the time Barton comes around, he is just about to attach his last electronic signature. He holds up a hand, to keep Barton there, then uploads it to the server archive and sends it to Fury, Rogers, and the intelligence agent tasked with keeping up all things Loki. He only looks up once he is done.

Barton is busy cataloging the office. It’s not that Barton hasn’t been here before. But Phil wouldn’t put it past him to know exactly how high which stack is and their exact location in relation to the room and each other.

“Man, your office is the file equivalent of the lost sock land.” Barton shudders. He claims he is actually allergic to paperwork.

The office is neat, the files sorted in concise stacks, along the top of his desk and the surfaces of the various filing cabinets. Phil actually feels a little insulted. But he doesn’t have time to philosophize about paperwork this morning.

Phil grabs the printout from earlier and a stack of folders from his desk. “Walk with me to medical.” He usheres Barton out the door.

”You’ve heard about the plans for the Training Facility on the 3rd level, I presume.” Barton nods. Of course he has. They include plans for a new shooting range. “I want you to be in charge of it and handle the initial plans for training. I would also appreciate any recommendations you have for the agent in charge of it later, if you have them.”

Barton raises an eyebrow.

“I am quite sure I will regret it at least twice a week. But you know better than most people what an agent in the field here needs. I would do it myself, but, well…“

“You’re a little busy babysitting all of us and making sure the roof doesn’t fall down on our heads.“

“Something like that.“

Barton sighs. “I assume this new assignment comes with a mountain of paperwork?” He nods at the stack of files in Phil’s hand.

Phil steps through the sliding doors into medical. “Of course it does.” He hands him about half the folders. “Think of it this way, at least you’ll have something to keep you busy until the doctors are done with you.“

“What…“

Phil catches the attention of the closest nurse. “He was injured yesterday. Left side. Do not let him leave until the doctor has given him a full examination. You’re authorized to use whatever means you consider necessary. Until he has been cleared by a doctor, I am putting you in charge of him. Understood?“

“Yes, sir.” Barton could probably take him, but the nice thing about working for SHIELD is that pretty much anybody could kick your ass in a fight. From the agents right down to office workers and nurses.   
“Damnit, Coulson. I am fine.“

“You do not get to hide injuries from SHIELD and especially not from me. Here,” he hands Barton another two folders. “Make sure you file these before the end of the day. Don’t forget to sign the release forms, too.“

Barton flicked the file open. “Oh, come _on_.“

“Standard procedure, as you well know. Do _not_ make me come find you to file these. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have other matters to attend to.” He nods at the nurse, and glares at Barton again, before his face rearranges itself into a pleasant, bland half-smile. “Have a nice day.”

SHIELD’s press office for the Avengers Initiative is down in the basement, in what used to be a boiler room before Stark started running around and tearing things apart and putting them back together.

Phil had had nightmares about the ensuing paperwork for days. But since Stark had actually footed the bill and installed an Arc Reactor, Fury had just waved his hand told Phil to just leave him be and assigned him Maya, who was terrifyingly organized, to take some of the workload off his desk. And to just make sure they got their hands on the actual building plans, that there were no surprises or hidden rooms. (Phil found four by tracking down the individual work forms. He has his suspicions about some of the supply closets, but until he can coerce Stark into making him a better scanner, he will just have to live with it.)  
“Greetings, son of Coul!“

Phil nearly winces. And not just because Thor still hasn’t quite grasped the concept of indoor voices. “Good morning, Thor. I didn’t think you knew where the press offices are. Or that we have them, for that matter.“

“Pepper explained to me that these are the fearsome warriors who fight the wild beasts you call _Paparazzi_. I came to congratulate them.“

Phil blinks. Those aren’t exactly the words he would choose.

“This warrior princess has also explained to me about your religious customs and warfare,” he frowned. “I would be honored to have people fighting for me. But not for such foolish reasons. You can lift the curse from the marvelous machine that makes coffee. I shall not mention my full title in Interviews again.“

The ‘princess’ in question is barely five feet tall and looking at Thor with a mix of terror and awe. If Phil had to guess, he’d say she was the one who wrote the bodice ripper material. But at least that’s the God problem taken care of. Even if the head of the press office – who is currently hiding out in his own cubical -- is less concerned about any wars breaking out over Thor and more concerned with their public relations. There are already enough voices who call them pompous and other more unflattering adjectives. No need to add to it. Phil had doubts that this would actually have any effect whatsoever, but it couldn’t hurt. Somedays, he really misses the times when they aren’t quite so visible. If he never has to schedule another photoshoot again, it will be too soon.

“They have also explained more your Yule traditions. She thinks you would not mind if I were to organize a public feast for the occasion.” And Thor makes honest to god _puppy eyes_ at him.

“Fine. But all final plans have to go through my office. Maya will help you with the paperwork.” Thor envelops him in a bone crushing hug. Phil mentally assigns some agents to babysit the party and make sure the only property destroyed belongs to SHIELD – and there _will_ be mayhem and destruction. Between Stark and Thor, it’s already guaranteed. The paperwork after is going to keep him busy for _days_. “And Thor? Please go and put on a shirt. We have talked about sexual harassment.” Half the office doesn’t seem to agree with Phil.

“I will. You are a very generous task master, son of Coul,” Thor says by way of goodbye as he skips out of the office.

He is pleased to note, that a pointed glare sends them back to their computers and phones. Phil steps into the cubicle of the supervisory agent and sits down in a spare chair. “I happened to see these this morning, Mr. Carver.” He hands him the small stack of magazines and papers this morning.

Carver snorts. “You should see the stuff they _don’t_ print. Look, they are attractive, they live together, and there’s the whole warrior mythos. We can’t work miracles. If I were to try and make these go away, there’d be more. They’re just rumors and idle gossip. Nobody takes it seriously. We have enough things interference to run interference on already. And we also worked really hard to plant some of these. The orgy story was some of Jack’s finest work.“

The twitch in left eye is threatening to start up again, but Carver keeps talking. “Look, the Avengers get cranky when their private lives appear in the press. Except for Stark, he seems to be _trying_ to make the tabloids half the time. This is a classic diversion tactic. The next time something pops up again, we can just point to these stories.“

Phil really doesn’t like the press. “I am not certain that these,” he points to the magazines, “are quite how we want the public to think about the Avengers.“

“We’ll have a toy drive later this month. Have them all there and make nice with the public, play with some kids, give out gifts. People always eat this kind of stuff up. Jennifer is coordinating with the Maria Stark Foundation to set up a few joined charity events over the next few months. And we have a whole lot of other ideas to boost public opinion. If you’d like, I can send you a preliminary list by the end of the week.“

“I would appreciate it, Mr Carver.“

“Look, we’re all just getting into the game here. If you really want the public to be happier with the Avengers? Get The Hulk to stop throwing school buses and things like that. There really is nothing to say once somebody has a picture like _that_ in their hands. A lot of publishers don’t care that the bus was empty.“

“I’ll make sure to pass it along, the next time Mr. Banner transforms,” Phil notes dryly. “One other matter…” Phil slides the press release from this morning across the desk.

Carver leans around the wall of his work space and glares at two of his subordinates. He throws the balled up piece of paper in their direction. “Jack, Jennifer. Send Mr Coulson the correct goddamn file _now_. Don’t let me catch you with one of these again.“

Phil might actually be a little disappointed that Carver already yelled at them. We was rather looking forward to scaring them. The clocks on the wall, however, tell him that he really does need to move on.

He checks his messages in the elevator up to his floor and makes a detour to be debriefed by Fury. Fury’s secretary waves him straight through. “Good morning, Sir.“

“Coulson,” Fury nods back. “Sit down.“

The debriefing is mercifully short, but of course unproductive. _Nothing happened_ , as should be quite clear from the incident report. Phil gets the feeling that Fury is fishing for something specific, but he knows better than to ask. Fury will tell him when he either has something more solid, or when it suits him, as he always does.

As he leaves, Fury gleefully (Phil has worked with and for him long enough to tell one terrifying expression from another) informs him that Agent Hill had been by this morning, none too pleased with either Fury or Coulson. Meaning she is on the warpath and looking for him. She is going to be even less enthused about his training project, when she learns that he has effectively left it in the hands of Hawkeye.

Phil thanks him and plots his route through the building. Fury may be amused by her, but Phil knows better. Half the time he is in awe of her. But she is absolutely the last person she wants to deal with this morning. And while she is a sight to behold when she is on the warpath, he’d rather it wasn’t directed at him.

She wants the training facility for the support personnel for the Avengers under her roof, and usually it _would_ fall under her purview, but Phil is rather particular about those he considers his. He wants specialized training to be run in house. The official reason, of course, is that they will be running simulations together with the Avengers, so it only makes sense to have facilities here.

His phone beeps, Maya is alerting him that R&D is on the warpath, too. Something about Stark, and also about Barton being a pain in the ass (he really should have taken his phone away from him before he left him in medical. Barton likes to spread the misery around), and Phil decides that it really is time for a tactical retreat.

He just wants a quiet morning doing all the paperwork that is clogging up his inbox. It really isn’t too much to ask.

As he considers his options, he hears Hill asking somebody about him around the corner. He ducks into the stairwell and quickly goes down two levels.

He evaluates his chances of getting to his office, without passing Hill or anybody from R&D. He knows the building better than Agent Hill, but both she and the scientists will be circling around it.

He gives it up as a lost cause. He can still work, though. Since most of the reports he needs to sign off on, are on the network. He just needs a quiet place, preferably without surveillance (Hill will probably head over to security, once she gets tired of chasing him down), and a networked computer.

Computers aren’t in short supply, but quiet places and little or no surveillance are. He crosses two floors, looking for a good strategic options, ducking Hill once, and he could _swear_ he saw Stark and Rogers heading into one of the closets, but he can’t exactly turn around and investigate, since he is very successfully so far, appearing to be going about extremely normal and extremely busy and important work, and that would ruin it. He is also pretty sure he doesn’t _want_ to know, if they were.

Stark is a good idea though. For a hiding place, obviously. Not for anything else.

*

“Good morning, Agent Coulson. Mr. Stark isn’t in. Shall I tell him you were here to see him?”

“No, Jarvis, that won’t be necessary.” Phil always feels weird talking to a computer, but it’s Stark’s invention. So being polite, in case it will insulted and try to kill him is probably a good idea. “I have a bit of an emergency here, may I come in, please?”

There is a bit of a delay – the computer is probably parsing the odds and formulating appropriate responses, but the doors slide open eventually. Phil isn’t sure if he should feel relieved or worried.

On the one hand, he is pretty sure that Hill – or anybody else for that matter – won’t look for him here. On the other hand, getting in here was ridiculously easy. He’d have thought Stark had better security measures.

“What is the nature of the emergency? Shall I alert the Avengers?”

“No, that won’t be necessary. It’s not that kind of an emergency.”

“I should inform you, that I am authorized to flood the chamber with xenon gas, in case somebody tries to steal Mr. Stark’s proprietary research or attempt to tamper with his equipment.” So… not so easy then.

“Jarvis. I just need a quiet place to work. You are connected to the SHIELD network, aren’t you.”

“Indeed I am, Sir. Even if I weren’t, I could connect myself. The security protocols are hardly a match for me.” Great. Stark invented a hacking AI. And apparently, they need to upgrade their security. Again. He doesn’t even want to touch the bit where the AI has just insulted SHIELD. Or felt insulted.

“May I stay here to complete my work? After all, somebody has to keep the wheels turning here. And there are intelligence briefings I have to read up on. It wouldn’t do for Mr. Stark or any of the other Avengers to be injured because I kept getting delayed in doing in my work.”

The AI remains silent. “I promise I won’t touch anything other than my terminal. Or look at anything other than my own files.”

“That would be acceptable. You may use the work station by the window.” Phil makes his way over there, shrugs out of his jacket and hangs it neatly over the back of the chair. “Master Stark rarely uses it. But be advised that I will be watching you.”

“I know. Xenon gas. Duly noted.”

A small robot appears in his field of vision, carrying a cup of coffee. “Umm…. Thank you, Jarvis.” Phil takes the cup and cautiously sips. It’s exactly how he likes it.

“That is P.H.I.L. He is an independent entity, although we do communicate.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said, it is an independent unit.”

“No, what’s his name?”

“PHIL. Perfectly Harmless In-House Liaison. Mr. Stark claims he makes the best coffee. He also picks up after Master Stark since SHIELD has refused to let him hire professional help to maintain his space on this premises.”

“That’s… “

He does a double-take when ‘PHIL’ takes up position close to his desk. The flat ‘hand’ that had balanced the coffee cup like a miniature tray before has disappeared; instead it has been replaced by something that looks like a really sharp knife. The robot doesn’t attack, however. Just settles there. Waiting and occasionally chirping. Phil takes it in stride.

“Yes, Mr Coulson?”

“Nevermind. If you could please give me the interface to connect to my account on the network?”

“Certainly, Mr. Coulson.”

*

Phil’s spine pops and cracks as he stretches. He has made good progress in the last three hours. Of course, the more sensitive reports will have to wait until later, when Jarvis isn’t looking over his shoulder. Jarvis could and _did_ probably read everything anyway. But Phil still likes to keep up appearances. Just because Stark breaks the rules five time before breakfast doesn’t mean he should condone that, even passively .

He contemplates whether he can get another set of requisition forms signed off, or if he really does need to head back into his office, when Stark and Rogers practically come crashing in through the sliding doors, laughing.

Before anything he can happen that he couldn’t possibly unsee, he clears his throat. “Gentlemen.”

Rogers turns an interesting shade of red. Stark covers up his surprise smoothly and glares at Phil "How did you get in here?”

“Agent Coulson needed a quiet place to work,” Jarvis informs him primly. Phil thinks he detected a note of reproach and a slight emphasis on quiet, but he isn’t sure he’d only imagined it. As interactive and quirky as the AI is, it is still a computer. Then again, they’d chatted quietly in between reports. Jarvis is a surprisingly good conversationalist.

“And why, dare I ask, is that place here? And more importantly, why did you let him in without authorization, Jarvis? I thought we talked about this. Do I need to overhaul your security procedures?”

“Agent Coulson has full clearance for the entire facility. Technically, your lab is part of the SHIELD facility. And he can be… quite persuasive.”

Phil suppresses the urge the grin and pet one of the monitors. He’ll have to find a new hiding place now. But he thinks the AI actually likes him. Having a rapport with the machine that runs Tony’s house – and sometimes even his life – is a good enough trade-off. And he didn’t even have to threaten it. Too much, anyway.

“I appealed to his sense of logic. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have reports to file.” He quickly grabs his jacket and left, petting PHIL on the way out, who seems a little sad and droopy to see him go.

“That’s… Jarvis, you’re fired. PHIL, you’re a traitor. Don’t look at me like that. Any of you. That includes you Steve.”

*

By six o’ clock, Phil is nearly ready to head home. His inbox is empty, Hill has given up (for today). Barton won’t be out for more than a week. And the R&D department is happy again.

These are the days he likes.

There is just one more bit of business to take care of. He takes a stack of printouts from the back of a drawer. He’s had the IPR forms interpersonal relationships of SHIELD personnel printed out for quite a while, but now he is 99% sure that it is now actually required. He’ll slide it into Stark’s lab on his way out. He’d probably have a higher chance of seeing it actually completed if he gave it to the Captain, but neither man is probably ready for the awkwardness that situation would entail.

Maya is long gone when he steps out and switches out the light to his office.

Tomorrow, he’ll have new forms to fill out. And new incident reports when they get called out to an attack from Loki at the national museum. But for now, all of that is in the future, and he can head home to his quiet apartment and enjoy a nice quiet evening cleaning his gun and watching Supernanny.


End file.
